I’ve mused before about my irreconcilable dual philosophy. The part of me that inspires the ‘Neither do I’ in my “Adrenaline Junkie afraid to die…doesn’t make sense, neither do I” — it’s not just there for the rhyme!

In the shower¹ just now it hit me what that is.

It’s a Jekyll and Hyde philosophy.

Sometimes, I attempt optimism with earnest. I see the world for what it could be, rather than the twisted anarchy that it is. And I am fired to fight towards that. My philosophy in these times is all-encompassing, laid back and non-judgmental. I believe — truly believe — in a Utopian future.²

That’s my Jekyll philosophy. One of the best intentions.³

Then, I inevitably remember (or am reminded) Life is Shit.

This is the spiteful, cynical, middle finger to the universe side of my splintered worldview. Where I see that its a goddamn miracle the human race hasn’t obliterated itself *already *and we’re all living on borrowed time. A philosophy that is malevolent and selfish. Shit sucks and all we can do is make the best of it.

But it also brings an anger — a futile rage against the universe that doesn’t give a shit. And a justified rage against The Powers That Be which don’t give a shit either.⁴

That’s my Hyde philosophy. One of sometimes-righteous anger but shot through with wide cracks of black malice.

And so I am. And so I am torn.

Trapped and torn between two inconceivably opposed world views. Thinking one thing one moment, and the opposite the next. It is confusing and infuriating.

So I half hope that one side eventually wins this impossible war.

Though if that were to happen, I don’t know which side would win.

I don’t know which side I’d want to win, either.