Quite a while1 ago I wrote about my experience of aphantasia. At the time I said2:
It’s forced me to live in the present. But, like Zeman, I don’t feel that that’s entirely a bad thing, something to suffer from. A difference, not a handicap.
These days, that’s not true at ALL. Not only that, I’m angry. I don’t remember my past, good and bad, and I don’t even remember what I don’t remember. Aphantas isn’t wholly to blame for this, but it doesn’t fucking help. Even if I could recall the moments I so desperately want to, I wouldn’t be able to live them inside my head in the same way as others.
So I’m really quite angry at what I’ve lost. So many moments that ought to have been memories for a lifetime, gone like sand in the wind. Moments that should be unforgettable, all gone. I’ve lost first kisses, first loves. I’ve lost birthdays, Christmases, holidays. I’ve lost heartbreaks and breakups. Maybe you think it makes it easier? Seventeen hells no. It makes the fragments that do stick hurt even more, shrapnel in an open wound.
People talk a lot about letting go of the past. I don’t really have a choice in the letting go, and as a result I fight every step of the way, clinging to scraps. It hurts a lot more this way.
It feels, almost, like I’ve lost a sense, though of course I can’t lose something I’ve never had. And I’m not sure that’s fair to say, as apart from a brief brush with blindness from a massive blood pressure crash, I haven’t lost any real world senses. But that’s the closest words I can find to describe it. That’s another thing that feeds my anger. I’m struggling, but there aren’t even the words for why. We haven’t even invented them yet. Every time I type the word aphantasia a red squiggle comes up, taunting me. ‘This isn’t a word’ it’s saying. In other words — ‘It isn’t a real thing.’ Sure, that’s just the computer. But even still. Nobody knows about it, and we can’t talk about it because we haven’t invented the words yet. That twists the knife. Talking about the inside of our heads is so damn hard. I can’t imagine what it’s like for mindsighted people just as mindsighted people can’t imagine an aphantasiac’s life. Hopefully this will get better with time. I’m going to fight (in whatever small way I can) for it to, at least.
At this point I feel obligated to mention - things could be worse. There are plenty of worse conditions, and I empathise with everyone who suffers, but this one is mine. Sometimes, it feels like mine alone.
On that note, if you’re suffering like me, or even if you’re not and just want to know more, please get in touch…3
1Four or so years! Cor…
2 Urgh, quoting myself always feels so masturbatory >.>
3 People who have aphantasia and see it as a gift…you optimistic bastards can sod off!4
4 Only joking…mostly… (the glass is half full. Shame it’s full of piss.)